For the Bygone Heroes Who Viewed Healthy Marriage as a Viable Lifestyle Choice

So my wife’s birthday is this weekend. She’s thankfully not yet in the mindset of lying about her age or skipping birthdays altogether, so for now I’m allowed another excuse to lavish attention and quality time upon the kindest, loveliest human I know, and I’m not just saying that because she tolerates my foibles, though that’s quite a selling point. Not every minute we share is easy, but we’ve weathered our conflicts, had our adventures, and endured thousands of quiet, boring timespans as well. Like any typical marriage that lasts for more than a month, ours has been all about the ups and the downs, the treacherous mountainsides and the plateaus. If you expect happiness and excitement 24/7/365, you’re doomed to disappointment. We recognize that, and we’ve developed the tools and the foundation to see the harsher times through.

Odd timing brought a regrettable quote to my attention today, on Wife’s Birthday Eve of all days. DC Comics had already made headlines in recent months for the lack of married couples that survived the New 52 reboot intact and not annulled. Adding fuel to the fire at this weekend’s New York Comic Con, DC editor-in-chief Bob Harras responded to a question about their heroes’ current collective failure at matrimony:

…the New 52, we want surprises. We want things to happen that may be unexpected with romances, relationships. What we ask in general is that we don’t want any of our characters rushing into stable relationships. The only character we have married is Buddy Baker, Animal Man, and that was part and parcel of the character.

Heaven forbid their heroes role-model for all types of relationships. So this isn’t mere coincidence between writers that their star headliners are all unmarried — it’s editorial fiat that says heroes can’t protect the innocent, uphold justice, guide us through the dramatic movements of their lives, or sell comics and merchandise unless they’re single. Scenes of Batman and Catwoman getting down are cool (for non-comics readers: this is the New 52 reality), but marital competence is for squares.

In light of the special occasion within our own married household, I’d like to take a moment to thank some of the fictional characters who, at various points in their respective existences, managed to appear in eminently readable or watchable tales despite being cursed with the stigma of utterly uncool wedded bliss that apparently must be suppressed in today’s world, lest they damage the calm of one sensitive modern fan too many, to say nothing of the effect on merchandise sales.

Though some of these folks aren’t married now, at one point in time they all were, and they carried it well for as long as the publisher or movie studio allowed them. Thanks, high praise, and/or sorrowful sympathies are owed to the following:

Reed and Sue Richards
Nick and Nora Charles
Clark Kent and Lois Lane (I prefer Joe Kelly’s version above all others, but that’s just me)
Peter and Mary Jane Watson Parker
Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl
Wally West and Linda Park
Donna Troy and Terry Long
Wash and Zoe
Hawkeye and Mockingbird
Vision and Scarlet Witch
Black Bolt and Medusa
Aquaman and Mera
James and Margaret Power (the original Louise Simonson/June Brigman versions)
Adam and Julia Kadmon (Midnight, Mass.)
Gomez and Morticia Addams
Benjamin Sisko and Kasidy Yates
Rom and Leeta the Dabo Girl
Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres
Han and Leia (Star Wars Expanded Universe)

…and that’s just off the top of my head within my own realm of experience, and within a limited brainstorming time frame. If we open wide the floodgates to, say, classic TV alone, we could keep going for pages. It’s a shame that, if transplanted to today’s world, they’d all be losers. Sorry, folks — DC Editorial says you’re yesterday’s news. Good riddance to the lot of you and your retroactively wretched works.

…

Before I forget: to my own wife, allow me here to wish yet another Happy Birthday, and to express my sincere relief that we’re not comic book characters. What God has put together, no crappy, selfish, short-sighted writer ought to be allowed the power to put asunder.